I Have a Confession to Make

That's right, I have a confession to make. Listen closely... sometimes, I don't love it. Isn't that terrible? I wouldn't trade not one single second of my motherhood for anything in the world, but there are times when I don't love it. And while I suppose most moms out there feel that way every now and again, I've found myself in the past year feeling that way more and more.

A lot is going on in my life right now. An awful lot. And I'm going to go ahead and make another confession here: I've been a lazy parent. You heard me right. This realization has come to me slowly but surely, and only recently have I been able to admit it, even to myself. In the face of a lot of sadness, unhappiness, weariness, and anger, I let my most important job fall by the wayside. I was providing my kiddos the necessities and failing them in most other areas.

I had an epiphany a few days ago. It occurred to me in great detail what my adult children will be like someday if I don't take charge and change things right now. My kiddos are often out of my control. They fight a lot, not just with words but with physical force. They live in a fairly chaotic environment. In fact, I've seen us reflected so often in families on Supernanny, it's scary. These kiddos deserve SO much more from me, and SO much more from life. If they're not worth pulling up my bootstraps for, what is?

So that's it. Pretty big, eh? But I have a plan. Or rather, God has a plan. Daily life around here is hard already, and I am quite certain it will get worse before it gets better, so I am convinced this is going to be CRAZY amounts of hard. But you know what? I can do hard things. I really, really can. I didn't think I could, until just two days ago. I woke up knowing it after years of having no clue. This mama is going to fight for her kiddos, for her family, and even for herself. The latter may prove to be the hardest. But like I said, I CAN DO HARD THINGS. These gorgeous, amazing little beings are worth every ounce of fight I've got in me and then some.

Finding the Blessings

It has been an incredibly long, tiring week. What transpired Sunday evening has kept me off-kilter for days now. I'll preface this by saying my sister, brother, and I were very healthy kids who also never sustained any injury requiring stitches, glue, casts, or even so much as a trip to the doctor's office. So, it never really occurred to me that my own children would ever need much more than a bandage and kiss. Boy was I wrong.

Katelyn and Joshua are pretty level-headed. They think most things through before doing them, and aren't much for taking risks. However, in her 4 years and few months, my sweet Allison has broken her right elbow, required stitches for a busted chin, required glue for a busted face, required x-rays after pulling a 100-lb mirror off the wall and onto the top of her foot, and pulled her arm out of joint twice, most of which required trips to the ER. We call her Tornado Alli for a reason, and it seems Whirlwind Aaron is going to follow in her footsteps.

I should have known this from the get-go. After three fairly normal labors and deliveries, Mr. Aaron turned out to be my only cesarean section, and an emergency one to boot. I blame it on my husband because he loves super heroes so much. You see, Aaron decided he was going to come out hand/arm first. You know, like Superman when he flies. The midwife was able to get him to pull his arm back in but his umbilical cord quickly took it's place. It was an absolute rush from that moment on. We made a mad dash to the OR where he was born happy and healthy a very short time later. I did tell him the next day when we were alone that he would one day have to explain to me why he needed to be cut out. I mean, I'd pushed out a 10 pound, 7 ounce baby girl just 21 months before him, and he was my tiniest newborn. It just didn't make sense.

The recovery from his birth was excruciating at times. I just couldn't make any sense of how or why it all went the way it did. But the end result was this amazing little boy, a HUGE blessing for everyone to see and love. This blessing was easy to find.

Fast forward to Super Bowl Sunday, just 6 days ago. That sweet, amazing little baby is now my sweet, amazing little boy! At 2 years old, he's as rambunctious as his big sister Alli ever was. He has no fear, or so it seems. I have to watch those two like a hawk, lest they get up to no good. I passed by the boy's room around 5:45pm, contemplating whether or not I was going to watch the big game. Alli and Aari were the only two in the room and they were playing nicely. I was happy to see it. A few short minutes later I heard him cry and someone (I cannot remember for the life of me which kid it was) came running down the hall screaming that Aaron was bleeding. By the time I reached the doorway he was covered in blood... his head, hair, shirt, bed, the floor. There was just so much blood. Suffice it to say, Alli found something she should never be allowed to touch and Aaron suffered a sever laceration to his right forehead. (For the record, no one saw it happen so we can't say for certain that Allison did it.)

I called 911. I talked to them, kept pressure on his head, and tried to check out the rest of his body to make sure there were not other cuts. He was crying, I could barely hold it together and it seemed like ages before the ambulance arrived. At the hospital he needed 13 stitches. They also did a CT scan because I didn't see it happen and no one was sure if he'd fallen or not. After his blood work and scan came back okay, we were sent home.

Now I'm finding it a bit harder to see the blessings in this situation. I've been thinking about it all week. Every time I look at him it breaks my heart all over again. Having his stitches removed was more traumatic for him than having them put in. I've felt completely out of sync for days now. But as I think back, I know I was physically alone out in that hallway waiting for them to stitch my baby boy up, but never once did I feel ALONE. I knew God was there and I FELT His presence. That was a blessing beyond measure. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law showed up after we'd been there a little while and I was grateful for their company. They were a blessing. Though the laceration to his forehead was severe, he was cut nowhere else. Just another inch down and it would have been his eye. Those were blessings.

I told Katelyn once that I always pray for an ambulance going by if it has it's lights and/or sirens on. I explained to her that someone somewhere had called for their help so they must certainly need prayers as well. She told me later that she prayed for Aaron that night and also prayed that everyone we passed would stop for a moment and say a prayer for him as well. What a blessing!

Finding the blessings in a tough situation has never been a strong point of mine, but I'm trying. I feel God moving in my life, making so many changes. I feel myself open to Him and whatever he chooses. I feel supported and cared for by so many, from so many places. I know God's arms were around my baby boy that night. All of a sudden, the blessings aren't so hard to find.

(*The EMS workers, the nurses, and the doctors were also a blessing. They took wonderful care of my baby boy.)

First Day Jitters

What am I? A 3rd grader about to give an oral report? A high school junior about to give a speech on JFK? Seriously, why is my stomach in knots tonight over something I'm not doing until tomorrow? I should take my kid's advice. Joshua told Allison on Friday "You're definitely getting shots, but don't worry about it 'cause we ain't there yet" while en route to her appointment. *Sigh*

So tomorrow starts a new semester at our homeschool co-op, SHARE. Last semester was the first time we'd ever signed up for it and the kids loved it. I, however, was in the nursery for the entire 3 hours. And while it wasn't bad, it was just a really long time to be hanging out in the nursery with the babies, sometimes just my own baby. So by the end of last semester I thought to myself that I should branch out a little and be a teacher's helper at least one hour. That was the plan. My plan anyway.

Then, I got an e-mail. An e-mail sent to everyone in the group, not just me, saying more teachers were needed for the next semester of SHARE. I thought nothing of it but felt a little tug. I shrugged it off. Another e-mail, a bit of a pull. Still not sold. Another e-mail, a full on push. From the Lord of course, saying "I want you to do this. Teach a class at SHARE." Oh no Lord! You can't mean me! I really don't wanna. I really, really don't wanna. I prayed about it and kept getting the same answer: do it. So I thought about what kind of class He would want me to teach. Katelyn and Joshua kept asking if they could take a cooking class, but the different classes are set up for specific age groups, and the semester before there was nothing in their age group. I thought it might be fun and contacted someone to find out if it was a good idea or not, really, really hoping they'd say "No, we don't think so." That would be the end of it, hooray!

Not so. Not what happened at all. The powers that be thought it was a great idea! Yay me... oh no! So I gave into the Lord and His will and tomorrow will be my first day teaching "Kid's Kitchen Creations" at SHARE. We are making treats that don't need to be cooked: butterscotch haystacks, peanut butter balls, The Best Hamburger Cookies, etc. It's going to be fun and I've given myself over to letting it be, but I still can't get this teenager who hates to get up and lead/speak off my back. Katelyn and Joshua are in my class as well as 7 other children. I'll have a few helpers. It's going to be just fine. I'm just one of those people who doesn't like breaking out of my comfort zone in certain areas and this is feeling very hard at the moment.

So, pray a little prayer for me in the morning. I know all will go well and the Lord will guide me. He equipped me with everything I need to teach my own children, and I know I can do this too. In fact, I'm even looking forward to it.

Yes, My Hands Are Full!

I am a stay-at-home, homeschooling mother of 4 beautiful, amazing kiddos. Katelyn is 7, Joshua is 5, Allison is 4, and Aaron is 2. My husband works a lot and on his days to work he pulls 12 hour shifts. So you can imagine I pretty much have the children with me at all times. I can say with absolute certainty nearly everytime I leave the house and go to a public place I will hear "Wow! You have your hands full!"

Now, this comment is often fine, coming from very nice people who are amazed to see a family as big as mine these days. But sometimes the comment is made in such a way that I feel the commentor pities me, or feels sorry for me in some way. I have found this slightly irritating for quite sometime and never really knew how to respond... until I saw a mini-van not too long ago. You know those stick people families you see everywhere? (I totally have one myself.) Well, this van had a stick person family with a daddy, mommy, and 4 kids just like mine. And under the family it read "Yes, my hands are full... and I love it!" I thought "Yes! Yes! That's exactly what I want to say!"

I have 4 loving, creative, incredibly unique little beings in my life. I birthed each and every one of them and have loved them from the start. The Lord chose to bless me in ways I had never imagined possible. There was a time in my life, after having suffered miscarriages, that I wasn't convinced I'd ever have children of my own. I questioned God, as hard as that is to admit. I questioned everything actually. It was a time of much uncertainty and heartache for me. Yes, my days are overwhelming at times... okay let's face it, quite often! There are days when I think "What am I doing? Staying at home, homeschooling, spending 99% of my time with the kids!" But I love it, I really do. Even the hard times. We are blessed to be a family of 6. So yes, my hands are full... and I really, really do love it!

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